NYC Marriage Counseling Therapist – Helping You Feel More Connected

Married life especially after many years can be challenging and needs awareness and some effort for many couples. This is why so many NYC couples work with therapists who specialize in Marriage Counseling. In a most general sense, the greatest challenge and downfall for married couples over time is that partners take each other for granted. Work, schedules, raising children present a challenge to a marriage and to preserving romance, intimacy and connection. It helps to know that a marriage does not just grow and get better on its own. For a marriage not to deteriorate, it is important to pay attention to what is going on in the relationship all of the time, make it a priority and not the last item on the list, create time for connection and ensure quality alone time.

There are many things that can create an estrangement in a marriage but what brings most couples to  marriage counseling in New York City is lack of intimacy and romance, communication problems, conflict, and lack of connection. Most married couples I see in my office have stressful jobs, are focused on raising kids, which can be stressful, and are generally exhausted and thinly spread. They simply do not find time for each other with so many demands on their time and attention and over time they grow apart. Many couples struggle with the idea that they have to schedule alone time. Sex and romance simply take the back seat to kids, chores, jobs, bills, “to do” lists.

To make an appointment, call 212-953-1388 or email irinafirstein@aol.com.

What is Marriage Counseling?

Marriage Counseling is therapy that involves a married couple. The couple is the patient, rather than “identified patient” being one partner or another. The way I work with married couples as an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, the focus is on the interaction between partners. What matters is the way partners interact with each other rather than specific content of the arguments. I focus on their process rather than “the story”. I am not an authority on who is right and wrong, or a judge or a referee. My job is to identify where the couple is stuck in their negative pattern of communication.

Just about every couple or EVERY couple I see, when I ask them on the first appointment, what brings them to Marriage Counseling at this time, they say, “we have communication problems”. What they do not realize is that it’s the pattern or their cycle of interaction that is causing problems. Not the subject matter. It’s how they communicate and not what it is about.

If they understand what emotionally drives the cycle, what triggers them in a conversation and how they react, which is usually defensively in some form, and can talk about it in a vulnerable way, they can talk about anything. They can turn a negative cycle into a positive one and feel close and connected.

Not all New York City marriage therapists work using the EFT model, but in my experience this way of working with couples creates most profound change and connection.

How Can Marriage Counseling Help?

Couples usually come to marriage counseling because they can’t resolve their issues by themselves and the same fights happen again and again.

Marriage counseling will help them understand each other with help from a therapist.

Married couples develop empathy because of deep understanding rather than resentment and defensiveness.

Areas of “stuckness” in interaction is better understood and is worked through in the sessions.

They become aware of their negative cycle and learn how to interrupt it and create a positive cycle.

Because of understanding and awareness as well as different communication patterns, couples feel close and connected.

Should You Wait to See a Marriage Therapist?

It’s not easy to realize that your marriage needs help and many married couples wait until, sometimes, it’s too late. It is not unusual to have difficult periods in a marriage, but if the same issues and themes come up, and are not resolved but just “patched up”, only to happen again, maybe it is time to consider getting professional help. These unresolved situations or relationship traumas, over time, erode love and connection.

It may be time to consider working with a Marriage Therapist in New York City if you are dealing with any of these issues in your relationship:

• Your romance and sexual activity are diminished or non-existent
• Most of your attempts to talk turn into arguments
• You have disagreement about future goals
• You are struggling with infertility
• You are having difficulty adjusting to parenthood
• One or both of you is thinking about or is having an affair
• You are feeling disconnected and distant
• You are in conflict with each other’s families

What to Expect from Marriage Counseling

In the first session, the couple and the therapist meet and begin to get to know each other. The goal is to begin to form a therapeutic alliance and create safety.

Usually I will begin to understand the history of the relationship, identify attachment injuries (betrayals, major disappointments, trauma within the relationship) and begin to conceptualize and communicate to the couple the pattern of their negative cycle. I will usually refrain their issues from EFT perspective. This almost always resonates with them.

In Marriage Counseling we often examine the following issues:

Unresolved Resentment and Hurt

People in relationships inadvertently or purposely say and do hurtful things to each other. These feelings fester over time, poisoning and sometimes destroying love and closeness. It is important to talk and bring these hurts and resentments into the open so the couple can start to communicate about them in an honest, emotional way and find validation, empathy and understanding which lead to a deeper connection.

Communication Problems

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship without honest, open communication. Couples over time become entrenched in unhealthy communication patterns in which they feel stuck and of which they may not be aware. Defensiveness prevails and vulnerability becomes too dangerous. These patterns come out of each person’s history as well as particular dynamics of the relationship. In couples therapy, we try to explore and identify negative cycles and pave the way for positive cycles, creating emotional safety and closeness.

Romance and Sex

Many couples in committed relationships complain of diminished passion, desire, romance and sex over time. There are many reasons why this happens: lack of time, other parts of life becoming priorities, pleasure becoming de-prioritized, unresolved resentments, different sexual needs that are not communicated openly and constructively, sex itself becomes stale, unadventurous and not fun. Often, sexual status of a couple is a metaphor for what is going on outside the bedroom. In marital counseling, we can work to find the causes and factors that have lead to a romantic estrangement and focus counseling on finding ways to reconnect and rekindle desire.

My Approach to Marriage Counseling

I work with married couples the way I do with all couples, using Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy Model (EFT). In May 2024, I became certified in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. The certification means that a certain level of expertise has been achieved in practicing this model which is recognized by the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEFT).

My assumption is that the marriage partner is the most important attachment figure and that there is a longing for love and connection. We explore attachment traumas that took place in each partner’s past and present, the dysfunctional cycles of acting and reacting which rigidly set the tone for all interactions, unmet needs that are feeding these cycles and what is really underneath the anger, attack and withdrawal. We then learn how to have honest and vulnerable conversations which communicate real feelings and needs. These new conversations create deeper connections and heal.

Techniques and Tools Used in Marriage Therapy

• You will meet the therapist together as a couple
• Evaluation and assessment
• Understand history of relationship
• Understand and develop empathy and awareness of each other’s family history and it’s impact on the way they experience, relate and communicate with each other.
• Uncover the underlying causes of distress or breach of connection
• Identify the pattern(s) in the negative cycle
• Experience the cycle in the session
• Experience what repair looks like
• Establish secure attachment between partners
• Teach specific tools to improve communication and connection

Make An Appointment Today!

Call 212-953-1388 today or email irinafirstein@aol.com to make an appointment with the best marriage therapist in NYC – Irina Firstein, LCSW. I am especially accessible to clients looking for marriage therapists Manhattan and in all other areas of New York City.

Interested in articles about Marriage Counseling? Click here.

Client Testimonials

“When we recognized that we weren’t able to resolve our issues without professional help, we decided to see a marriage counselor. We needed someone who would hear what we were saying, help us to hear one another and above all be trusted with the intimacies of our marriage. Thanks to her measured non-judgmental approach, sound counseling and abundant kindness , Irina Firstein expertly guided us to a more balanced approach to dealing with our problems while providing a safe environment for us to do so. Irina Firstein is a 10+, we feel confident in recommending her to those seeking couples therapy.” – Barbara C.

“Finding the right therapist is EVERYTHING, especially in delicate situations like a marriage. I was so glad that Irina was ours. I’ve had bad therapists in the past that very negatively influenced my life, and Irina is one of the best in NYC. My life is so much better now because of her. Highly, highly recommend.” – Summer R.

“My husband and I saw Irina for a couple’s session. Irina exceeded our expectations. She’s very smart, knowledgeable, and effective. Irina was able to quickly understand a complicated situation and offer valuable insights.” – Dariya G.

“Irina is not only a wonderful person but her skills as a counselor are outstanding. I have been 3 times so far to her office, twice with my husband, once alone after I called her in tears (feeling emotionally hurt by my husband’s curt wording), and each time I left with a great feeling. Irina understands each of us and pointed out right away our defects and assets. She is straightforward but always kind and considerate. The miracle is that she could explain to my husband, Yves what he did not want to hear from me, and instead of taking it wrong, Yves each time has been able to reconsider his behavior toward me and toward life in general. Each time we left her office, we felt that our marriage will survive our past miscommunication and we are both willing to overcome our differences. THANK you so much, dear Irina!!!!!!” – Sylvie P.

“I was very hesitant to seek the help of a relationship counselor at first, but my sister urged me to go for couples counseling with my husband. Irina helped me to open my eyes through our sessions, and because of that, both my husband and I are leading a much happier marriage. I will definitely recommend Irina to anyone who is looking for a marriage counselor in New York.” – Johnny D.

Marriage Counseling FAQs

• What to expect in a marriage counseling session? Other than in the first session which is establishing therapeutic alliance, getting history and beginning to understand the negative cycle, most sessions will involve processing and working with cycle that occurs between sessions. Usually, the couple will bring up an argument from the week prior.

• How long does marriage therapy usually last? There is no specific time frame for coupes therapy. It very much depends on how long and how severe the issues, how open the couple is to therapy as well as how motivated and committed they are.

• How many sessions will we need? I can never answer that question. I never know the exact number. Sometimes I have a feel for if its long term or short term.

• Can we see a counselor individually as well as together? What if my partner doesn’t want to go to counseling? Marriage counseling works MUCH BETTER when the couple is together in the sessions. This is because it is about the interaction between them. I will sometimes have one or two sessions with each partner to have a stronger alliance with each or to work through some issues within the partner rather than between them. If one of the partners does not want to come in, it is not a good sign. It usually means they don’t think they play a part in what is going on or they are not open to change. The result of working with one partner only is very limited.

• Will marriage counseling force us to stay together? Marriage counseling will not force you to stay or break up. It will, hopefully, help you see clearly what you want.

• Is it ever late for marriage counseling? I would almost never suggest to a couple that it’s too late. However, I do think there are situations like that.

• Is marriage counseling confidential? All counseling and therapy are strictly confidential. Written release of information is needed to disclose anything to another party.

• Do you offer in-person or virtual counseling? I offer both.

• How much does marriage counseling cost? I charge $310 for a full hour session and $250 for 45 minutes.

Recommended Books:

“Hold me Tight” by Dr.Susan Johnson

“Rekindling Desire” by Barry McCarthy and Emily Mc Carthy

Sessions available in person, by phone or on Skype.