Couples Counseling Therapist for New York City Couples

“Relationships are end all and be all.”

Relationships can be a source of great joy as well as most intense emotional pain. Romantic relationships can offer deep connection, secure attachment, feelings of love and being loved, and a sense of being special and important. However, relationships usually change over time, and often not for the better and is becoming a source of our deepest pain and dissatisfaction. This is why couples counseling is a great option for those New York City couples who want to protect their relationship from further deterioration, heartache and possibly dissolution. And for those who are already experiencing escalating conflict and disconnect, it can be helpful from irreversible damage.

Couples Therapy can be effective in healing troubled relationships. This is especially true for those NYC couples who start therapy sooner rather than waiting for the relationship to completely break down. If you find yourself in a cycle of having the same escalating fight or conflict that is leading to longer periods of anger, resentment and general disconnection, it is time to realize that you may need professional help.

The key to any long lasting, satisfying relationship is commitment, openness and a willingness to be vulnerable and take emotional risks. Couples typically disagree over things like money, sex, trust, friends, levels of commitment (including “next step”) and their vision of the future – including quality of life and life goals. These are emotionally and psychologically loaded areas which bring into focus our deepest values, attachment needs and expectations.

The truth is that broken relationships don’t just fix themselves. When issues in a relationship are ignored they will typically get worse until they are irreparable. If you have found that you and your partner are unable to have healthy discussions about these or any other topics, it may be time to seek professional help.

Schedule a virtual or in-person appointment with Irina Firstein, LCSW today. Call (212) 953-1388 or fill out the form on this page.

What is Couples Therapy

Couples Therapy is type of therapeutic intervention or modality where a therapist is working in sessions with both partners together at the same time. In the course of Couples Therapy, there may be and often are sessions where only one partner is present for a session or few sessions. Single partner sessions happen because there is a need to get specific history or there are issues that came up in the course of treatment with a couple that may be better handled with one partner at a time. But in contrast with Individual Therapy, most sessions are with both people.

What makes Couples Therapy so effective and efficient when a relationship is an issue is that a therapist can actually experience and witness the couple and their interactions right in the session here and now. For me, when I work with a couple, it is the couple who is my patient and not the individual or one partner and it is their interaction or what we call a “negative cycle” that is the target of my focus and intervention.

In Couples Therapy sessions, at times, we do focus on one partner or the other but it is with a focus on the couple and how their specific experience, reactions, behavior impact the couple.

It may be time to consider Couple Therapy if you are dealing with any of these issues:

• You are not sure you are on the same page in terms of where the relationship is and where it is going
• You are having more and more fights
• Your sexual relationship and romance are diminishing and/or changing
• You are having some trust issues
• You want to go to the next step but are not sure you envision the same life or life goals
• You are having same arguments and they are getting more and more escalated
• You are having trouble with each other’s past history or family of origin

Starting Couples Counseling

Some couples come to my office with their relationship in shambles, as a last ditch effort before breaking up. Some have a strong, solid connection, but are in a state of crisis, going through a difficult period, looking for help and guidance on how to navigate it. Couples therapy is often very successful in facilitating open and honest communication and mutual empathy, thereby bringing a couple closer, creating deeper connection.

Starting couples therapy is a big step. Contacting a couples therapist comes from a realization that your relationship is important and needs help. It is a realization that you cannot solve the conflicts on your own and you are in need of help and guidance. Just about every couple I see, when asked what brings them to my office at their first appointment will say: “We have communication problems” or “We fight all the time and it’s getting worse”. Meaning that often times, what seems like an issue about money, sex, trust or commitment is often an issue of communication – or a lack of it.

As I work with couples, my immediate goal in relationship counseling is to establish an atmosphere of safety, openness and alliance. Many couples in our sessions will say things to their partner like “I never knew this…” or “You never told me this before…”. Which says to me, that either they have not felt safe to say certain things to their partner outside the shelter of my office, or they have attempted to say these things and they fell on deaf ears. Regardless of the reason, my goal in couples therapy is to get a clear understanding of WHAT couples fight about and HOW they fight. The ultimate goal of therapy is to change the patterns of fighting and the manner in which couples argue, as conflict in relationships in inevitable. One of the first goals in any couples therapy is to learn de-escalation in fighting rather than escalation.

Benefits of NYC Couples Therapy

There are many benefits to working with a couple rather than individual(s) in dealing with relationship problems.

First of all the focus is on couple dynamic not individuals and the assumption is that there is not a good or bad partner but rather that all couples fall into a negative cycle of interactions and it is the cycle that is our focus rather than “good” or “bad “ guys. We do not assign fault to anyone. It is the interaction that is the issue. This creates a safer space to be in and be open to deeper understanding and development and expression of empathy and care towards each other.

Also in my sessions, using the principles and techniques of Emotionally Focuses Couples Therapy, I have couples practice communicating new, more vulnerable realizations and feelings with each other, which is a very powerful agent of change. In the subsequent sessions, we, together, can evaluate how the new ways of understanding and communicating are impacting the cycle.

Another benefit of Couples Therapy is that while I am talking to one partner, the other can hear and feel for their emotional experience firsthand. They get to see the pain and longing of their partner which often strengthens connection between them which is one of the goals of Couples Therapy.

In Couples Therapy sessions, often I hear that each partner gets new important information about their partner, even after many years together. This is very important. It motivates and stimulates curiosity about each other which is critical in creating a deeper connection.

My ultimate goals for all Couples Therapy couples is to help change negative cycle to a positive cycle and, therefore, improve connection. I simply can not do it with one person to the extent that usually needs to happen. Sometimes some shifts within one partner will improve the relationship but not in deep, lasting ways that working with a couple will. Both partners created current patterns (Cycles) and both need to be present and involved to make a change.

It is very helpful to feel like a couple together are dealing with their negative cycles. It creates a sense of a “team” which they often have lost by the time they seek therapy. It is a very positive experience. They are both invested and are willing to risk emotionally.

How We Work Together

I do Couples Therapy both in person and virtually.

The sessions work very much same way. In my in-person sessions, couples are in front of me and I see them in all dimensions which is really powerful. We are in the room together. I fully see their body language and feel their energy. The structure of the sessions is same. Usually, in ongoing sessions, we evaluate how the cycles showed up that week, both negative or positive and we process it and work on it more. We go deeper and deeper.

In virtual sessions, I see and focus on faces more which has its positive aspects. I also get to see the environment whether home or office, which is contextually great. But the work is essentially the same. The focus is always on the cycle, how it presents, how it unfolded and if and how it was resolved. And then we work on what did not work and celebrate and solidify what worked.

How Irina Firstein Works With Couples: My Approach

I am a licensed therapist in New York for the past 35 years. I have received training in a number of models of working with individuals and couples. Early in my career I was more psychodynamically trained which is closer to a classical psychoanalytic approach. At the time of my licensure, this was the main orientation in the metal health field. Over the last 30 years, the field has “exploded” with innovative, mind-body, relational, trauma informed therapeutic modalities. I was attracted to the EFT model with couples and EMDR, trauma informed model for individuals. But the original psychodynamic baseline of my thinking and seeing the world still shows up in my work and my understanding of people.

I work with both couples and individuals in New York. My approach for working with couples is based on EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), developed by Sue Johnson. All of the couples who come to me are tasked with reading her book, “Hold Me Tight” to learn more about this approach. EFT is based on the premise that we all long for deep connection with people, especially with a romantic partner, which is why we seek romantic love.

In fact, I am certified in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. The certification means that a certain level of expertise has been achieved in practicing this model which is recognized by the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEFT).

Using the EFT model, I view all interactions through the lens of Attachment Theory, which is where we look at each person’s attachment style and the emotions that are triggered in what most couples label “communication problems”. Then I guide my clients in sessions to understand their own and their partner’s attachment needs and emotions and help them learn how to communicate about this to each other from a more primary emotional and vulnerable stance.

My couples learn to understand that their conflicts have predictable negative cycles, which they learn to recognize as they are occurring and learn how to interrupt and change these cycles. They learn to view the cycle as the enemy and not each other. During sessions we work to have different interactions, creating “positive” cycles, using the language of attachment, emotions, vulnerability and empathy.

If you are ready to begin couples therapy today, call 212-953-1388 today or email irinafirstein@aol.com to make an appointment with the best couples therapist in NYC – Irina Firstein, LCSW. I am especially accessible to clients looking for a couples therapist in Manhattan and in all other areas of New York City including Upper East Side Manhattan.

Interested in learning more? Read our articles about Couples Counseling.

Testimonials

“When we recognized that we weren’t able to resolve our issues without professional help, we decided to see a marriage counselor. We needed someone who would hear what we were saying, help us to hear one another and above all be trusted with the intimacies of our marriage. Thanks to her measured non-judgmental approach, sound counseling and abundant kindness , Irina Firstein expertly guided us to a more balanced approach to dealing with our problems while providing a safe environment for us to do so. Irina Firstein is a 10+, we feel confident in recommending her to those seeking couples therapy.” – Barbara C.

Click here to read more testimonials.

FAQS

What kind of therapist is best for couples therapy?

In my subjective view, EFT trained therapist and ideally Certified EFT Therapist is best. It is to date the most effective model for working with couples.

How do I know we need couples therapy?

You know you need couples therapy when same arguments happen without coming to better understanding or repair. And when fighting becomes more frequent and more severe.

Is it normal for unmarried couples to get therapy?

It is not only normal to have couples therapy for unmarried couples but may even be great to address issues sooner and more proactively.  At least 50% of my couples are unmarried. I am also impressed with couples who come to me who have  not been together a long time (under a year.) These couples often think there is something fundamentally wrong with their relationship, but I feel the opposite. Good for them, to deal with stuff sooner rather the later.

How long does couples therapy take to work?

There is no set time. Sometimes, there are a few sessions and sometimes it’s up to 2 years. It depends on the length of a relationship and nature of conflict, severity of the negative cycle, the openness of each partner, commitment and motivation, skill of the therapist.

How do you know the Couples Therapy is working?

When Couples therapy is working, there is a very clear de-escalation that is happening. There is less conflict and when it happens, it is resolved faster and there is a sense of more closeness due to a successful repair. Couples report feeling closer and more connected.

Do you offer online couples therapy?

Yes, I do online therapy via Zoom or Skype.  It works very well.

What languages do you speak?

I speak and do therapy in English and Russian.

Where is your in-person office?

My office where I see people is in Midtown East in Manhattan. It is conveniently a block from Grand Central Station.

Recommended Books:

• “Hold me Tight” by Dr Susan Johnson
• “Rekindling Desire” by Barry McCarthy and Emily Mc Carthy