Infidelity Counseling in NYC

It is a known fact that married and unmarried partners go outside their relationships to fill sexual and sometimes emotional needs.

Without a doubt an affair is a major relationship trauma, putting in question trust, commitment, love. When couples come in after a discovery of the affair the wounded partner feels completely betrayed and many can’t see a way to heal and ever trust again.

Many couples contact me when affair or any kind if infidelity is discovered. Affair recovery is a process that can take time and patience.

Life in New York City, being stressful, always on the go, demanding jobs, little quality time together can make affairs or inappropriate relationships more tempting. Many people spend a large portion of their time at work, which is sometimes a fertile ground for flirtations, happy hour drinks and crossed boundaries.

I don’t see all affairs in the same light. There are different types of infidelities:

• Emotional affairs (which have little difference from a sexual affair, it’s on a spectrum)
• One night stands
• Repeated sexual indiscretions
• Sex Addiction
• Sexual affairs
• Sexual romantic affairs

Possible Reasons for Infidelity

• Wanting to end a bad marriage/relationship and using the affair as a way out
• Getting what is missing in a relationship without any intention of ending the primary relationship.
• Self-medication, stimulation and pleasure (high)
• Running from pain (loss, mid-life crisis), a form of self medication
• Getting even and feeling entitled
• Creating distance and occasional escapes
• Multigenerational legacies

The type of the affair and the reasons are the first part of my assessment. It is my philosophy that Couples Therapy or Marriage Counseling can not be effective, meaning will not bring the couple to a place of healing and transformation if the affair continues. If an affair is a result of sexual addiction, then specific individual treatment targeted to sex addiction is necessary, sometimes with couples therapy and sometimes not. I have had many couples in my practice that went from severe crisis to transformation. Some that did not.

Recovery from infidelity is a process, which involves courage, determination, commitment, honesty, openness.

Let Irina Firstein, LCSW help get your marriage back on track. Contact us to schedule an in-person or virtual consultation to help assess how therapy can benefit you. Call (212) 953-1388 or get in touch online here.

How Infidelity Counseling Can Help

Most couples dealing with an affair or some form of infidelity, will not be able to properly deal with it without professional help. They may fight, separate for a while, decide to move forward, but most of the time, because the underlying issues are not identified and not worked through and emotions are raw, either the affair happens again, even if years later, or the couple simply continues to “limp along” with same issues that existed prior to the affair. Sometimes, couples will break up, which many times can be avoided with successful Couples Therapy or Marriage Counseling.

Most Couples Therapists do not see affairs as a reason to end the relationship or marriage. (This, of course, depends on many factors.) Rather, an affair is often seen as a symptom of a relationship problem, a red flag, that relationship is in trouble and needs attention. Sometimes, it’s a crisis that, finally, brings attention to dissatisfaction and pain in a relationship. And, hopefully, brings partners into Couples Therapy for Infidelity.

By getting into all this in Therapy, couples begin to see the issues that were present and not attended to, so they can be dealt with, hopefully resolved and the relationship can be better than ever.

• Couple will have a safe space to talk about what happened.
• Because of safety, emotions can be expressed and processed.
• Therapy sessions can become “containers” for strong emotions and high volatility.
• Partners can get answers to questions they need to have answers to.
• Attention can be given to understanding the causes of the affair, whether relational or individual.
• Couples can discover a road map to a better relationship, to ways to “affair proof” their union.
• Couples can decide they no longer can be together as a result of the process of discovering and understanding issues in their relationship.

What to Expect in Infidelity Counseling Sessions

When a couple is dealing with infidelity, in the first session we try to establish safety and alliance with the therapist. Therapist gets to know each partner, the history of their relationship as well as the “story” of the affair. The injured partner will have an opportunity to ask questions and get answers. We then start to explore the underlying cause, relational as well as individual for the affair. Both partners can share their deepest pain about the situation and the process of repair can begin.

My role as a Couples Therapist is to provide safety in the room, to create an environment of openness and honesty, to choreograph the process of acceptance and eventually repair and vision for the future for the couple.

My Approach to Infidelity Counseling

My approach to Infidelity Counseling is EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) as with all relationship issues. EFT has a model to work with Attachment Injury, which affairs very much are. The Attachment Injury Resolution Model (AIRM) is a very effective way to work with affairs. Both partners develop deep understanding of all reasons and aspects their experience, on both sides.  How they have affected each other and their choices and behaviors.

Infidelity FAQs

How can I tell if my partner is cheating?

There are some clues that may point to cheating. Increased emotional and sexual distance, preoccupation and hiding the phone, increased trips (especially last minute), intuition or “gut” feeling.

Should I confront my partner if I suspect infidelity?

In my opinion, there is no other option, but to confront one’s partner if an affair is suspected. It is important to know that most cheating partners will try to deny having an affair.

What should I do if my partner admits to cheating?

I would advise against any rash decisions. I would try to understand as much as possible. I would also recommend not to share this with friends or family. Most of the time I think a discussion of Couples Therapy is very important as it usually is too much to navigate.

Is it ever my fault that my partner cheated?

This is a very complicated question. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault if your partner is cheating. Everyone is ultimately responsible for what they do. But a relationship dynamic is critical and both parties are responsible for what it is and how it plays out.

Is emotional infidelity considered cheating?

I consider any secret relationship whether it involves sex or not a form of cheating.

Can my relationship survive infidelity?

I believe most relationships can survive infidelity. It very much depends on the quality of the relationship, motivation, openness, willingness to be honest, history and many other factors.

How do I know if my partner is truly committed to healing?

Your partner’s commitment may not be apparent immediately, but soon into the process it will be clear. The affair or any inappropriate relationship will need to stop right away, total transparency needs to be established, realization of the pain caused and repair has to be very much in the forefront.

What if my partner refuses to go to counseling?

If your partner (whether you are the cheating or injured partner) refuses counseling, it can be an obstacle to doing the kind of work that needs to be done to repair this injury. For me the most important thing would be to understand why. And really understand the reasons why. This work can not be done well with only one partner available. And it usually can not be done without professional help.

How long does it take to heal from infidelity?

There is a sense in the field that recovery takes 2 years. This is not a hard number. Depends on the relationship, the specifics of the trauma, counseling, etc.

How can I manage my emotions after infidelity?

It is very hard to ride the rollercoaster of emotions following the discovery of the affair. You may need your own therapist as well as reading books that are available.

How can we prevent future infidelity?

The only possibility to “affair proof” is good therapy with a good therapist and a real commitment to understand what happened between you and your partner and work on the issues that contributed to this.

How long does infidelity counseling take?

There is no set time. Again, it is very individual.

How do we schedule a counseling session with you?

Please send me an email to irinafirstein@aol.com or call (212) 953-1388. I will respond fast and try to schedule as soon as possible, understanding the urgency.

Recommended Books:

• “Getting Past the Affair” by Douglas K. Snyder PhD
• “After the Affair” by Janis A. Spring PhD

Sessions available in person, by phone or on Skype.