Here is some advice on how to choose a Marriage Counselor in NYC:

Ask Friends

Some couples will ask their friends who have been in marriage counseling. If you go that route, make sure you ask specific questions, such as how did this help you, what happens in the sessions, why are they working with this particular therapist?

If you don’t want to ask friends because maybe you don’t want them to know you are having trouble, then you have some work to do. Online, you can find a lot of helpful information about a therapist.

Understand The Approaches to Therapy & Find The Right Match

Familiarize yourself with different approaches to couples therapy. There are a number of schools of thought. They are very different and work with different personality types.

Gottman Method

One popular method is the Gottman Method, developed by John Gottman who was a mathematician originally but had an interest in what makes a relationship work. The Gottman method is based on 7 principles of what works and 4 toxic components that ruin relationships. According to John Gottman, conflict is an expected part of every relationship as there are two different people. Therapy is about helping a couple learn and practice with the guidance of a therapist’s tools that help achieve a better relationship. A therapist can figure out stumbling blocks in moments of conflict and how to change your responses. It is important for you as a client that you feel your therapist understands your couple dynamic and that the tools he or she is implementing make sense for you.

An important book to take a look at is “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, by John Gottman.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Another popular approach, which I use is Emotionally Focused Therapy or EFT. This model assumes that emotions guide all of our behaviors. In therapy, clients learn to make sense of what their emotions are telling them, identify goals, needs or concerns, that is, organizing them and understanding each issue clearly. Then, one examines the action tendencies to cope with them.

The goal of EFT is to create a secure attachment between partners. This is an experiential model, and a lot of actual change happens in the sessions. Partners, after becoming more aware of their emotions, and how these emotions show up in their relationship are able to communicate in language of emotion and vulnerability rather than from an angry, critical place which escalates conflict.

A good book to familiarize yourself about EFT is by Sue Johnson (the Founder of the concept of EFT), “Hold Me Tight”.

Imago Therapy

Another method is “Imago Therapy.” Imago comes from a Latin word “image” and refers to the “unconscious image of familiar love”. There, oftentimes, is a connection between problems in a romantic relationship and childhood experiences. Core issues of abandonment, criticism, and neglect will show up in adult relationships and will overshadow good parts of the relationship. Through Imago therapy, couples can learn to understand each other’s feelings, allowing them to heal.

To understand better this therapeutic modality, please refer to the book by Imago’s creator Harville Hendrix “Getting the Love you Want: A Guide for Couples”.

Some other things to look for in a Marriage Counselor:

• Do they have direct experience with the issues you are facing, and if you are in crisis, are they the right fit?
• What phase of your relationship are you in and do they have experience working with couples in that general stage recently?
• Is the therapist going to be a good fit for all parties involved who are going to be in therapy?
• Do you understand the counselor’s approach to therapy and are they the right one?
• Do I like their communication style?
• Am I willing to give them a chance to get to know me and our issues?
• Have a I read their reviews and understand their Qualifications to make an informed decision?
• How do they work (virtual vs. in person; one person at a time vs. couples, together etc.)?
• How often do you meet?
• Also ask yourself, am I ready and financially prepared to commit to this investment in my relationship?

Issues a Marriage Counselor can help you with:

You are arguing more and more frequently and the arguments escalate quickly.

You are obviously stuck in a negative cycle, where the same arguments happen and you are both reacting rather than understanding what you and your spouse are experiencing. It is important to be able to understand, with a help of a professional, what is actually going on underneath the reactivity. A good marriage therapist can help identify the stuck points and help you create a positive cycle.

You are struggling with trust issues.

This can be anything from a “little lie” to being caught in an inappropriate relationship with someone else. It is really important to deal with this as soon as possible.  Marriage counseling can be immensely helpful in creating a safer space to be honest and repair or begin to heal whatever the issues are as well as understand the underlying issues.

You are not on the same page about finances, parenting, in laws.

Most couples do not see eye to eye in at least one of these areas. Over time, these disagreements erode connection and loving feelings couples have for each other. A marriage counselor will help you find a way to talk about these issues in a way that will lead to understanding and empathy rather than anger and disconnect.

What You Really Want From Your Marriage Counselor:

What you want from a marriage counselor in New York City is someone who understands what your dynamic is, who is active in the sessions, who is impartial, and has clear methodologies they will use to help you improve your relationships.

I hope this has helped you when you are looking for the right Marriage Counselor in the New York area.

The post How To Choose Your Marriage Therapist Wisely in New York City first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

In the last decade, more and more people have figured out how to make this transition easier.

It matters to some extent if you have a partner and if the relationship is a viable one. Not having to worry about a child at home can be very liberating and can take you and your partner to a time you had together before you had kids. Do you remember a time in your relationship when you were about to have kids and were worried about losing your freedom? When you were free and could just focus on each other and do whatever you wanted to.  

Even though you had more freedom in years before the kids leave home then when they were young, still there was a lot of energy spent on them. 

Now there is space to just focus on you and your partner and think about doing stuff you did not do for a long time, such as:

• It is time to reconnect with your partner
• Think about new personal and professional goals
• Resist the Urge to Check-In too much with your child
• Reach out to family and friends, especially those who have been through this.
• To the extent that it is possible, plan for this ahead of time. Line up experiences that would be fun.

Things can feel even more lonely and upsetting if you are single. You may feel abandoned, useless and alone. It is important to realize that your kids can no longer be the only meaning in your life.  They will always need you and be very important, but you need to figure out a life for yourself. There simply is no choice about this. 

During this time consider the following:

1. It is a great time to reach out to others who are in your life and extend yourself in ways you did not have to before.
2. It is also an ideal time to do soul searching about what you care about and what interests you have. It may be time to devote to your career.
3. Consider ways you could volunteer your time and energy to help others in need.

The main thing to remember is that your kids cannot be your life when they are adults. Trying for that will be disappointing to you and not fair to them.

The post Tips for Dealing With Empty Nest Syndrome first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

We all know that our goal as parents is to make our children independent, autonomous adults, the experience of letting go can be very painful.

It is hard not to have children in your home who need care and attention. Sometimes, there is a sense of having no purpose in life.

There are also worries about their safety, well being, their ability to actually take care of themselves.

Parents dealing with empty nest syndrome often have a profound sense of loss which can make them vulnerable to depression, alcoholism, identity, and marital crisis. 

There is often a deep void, it is hard to adjust.

These feelings are normal and usually ease with time. In the beginning stages of this, it is critical to reach out to family and friends and talk about these feelings. Some will need professional help as this can trigger old feelings of abandonment and loss.

It is important to see this as a life passage both for you and your children. You need to trust that you are not losing them and will have a relationship going forward albeit somewhat different, but not worse than before. You will still be a parent, always.

Just like childbirth, many people have gone through this and have survived. You will too.

The post What Is Empty Nest Syndrome? first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

During my therapy sessions with couples, many complain about their partner having to take calls and work on vacations. There are some professions that are worse than others in this respect. 

There are no easy solutions for this. Many workplaces simply will not tolerate any push back from employees on this issue. I think the most important issue is to take a wide view of this and decide what is important. 

Sometimes, it is understood that for a period of time, especially starting out,  it is inevitable that you have to just work and put your personal life on the shelf or have an understanding with your partner about the inevitability of such a work/life imbalance for some time. 

However, if a personal relationship and personal life are of value, it is critical to not allow this to go on indefinitely and not buy into a completely work-driven lifestyle. This is unhealthy and destructive to all relationships in one’s life. 

The idea is that either this is a time-limited situation or that a different career path may have to be considered. There are no easy answers to this.

Some of the ideas to reclaim your personal time are:

• Use personal time as fully and effectively as possible, i.e. make plans to see people, do things that have made you feel good historically
• If the situation really becomes intolerable put your foot down and talk to the superiors about needing time off or easing the schedule. Be prepared for consequences by weighing the pros and cons.
• Be prepared to not advance as fast as you may want to in your position, it may be better, in the long run, to go slower at it but maintain other parts of life.
• Make sure the priorities are there, in that your physical and mental health come before anything else.
• Choose your career thoughtfully, it’s not for everyone to work 18 hours a day.
• Make sure to take time off/vacations when possible and plan this ahead.
• Seek individual therapy in times when you feel work is negatively affecting your stress levels or causing anxiety.

The post How Can I Prevent Work From Negatively Affecting My Personal Life? first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

Unfortunately, stress is part of everyone’s life, especially living in New York City. The stimuli, the expenses, and the stress of city living, to name a few, can magnify issues. Additionally, some people are simply more prone to feeling stress than others. 

This is all built into being an adult and having responsibility. There are multiple worries we all experience almost daily, especially as we become adults. Our lives have many moving parts. There often are financial worries, job stress, relationship difficulties, family issues and, of course, raising children. These are the most common triggers. 

When the pressure builds up with no apparent release or resolution or even when there is simply too much of it, most of us, even the strongest, feel stress. We all know by now that stress is not good for our physical and mental health. Yet, for most of us, it’s unavoidable.

So the question becomes, what can we do to cope better with Stress?

Of course, we all know that we need to eat healthy, exercise and get enough sleep. Indeed all three of these things are critical, but what else?

Here are some of the stress reduction practices many of my patients find helpful:

1. It is very beneficial to get at least 5-10 minutes of mindfulness meditation per day.  For those who don’t know what to do, get the Waking Up app by Sam Harris. It’s simple and good.
2. When the stress starts to build up, ask yourself “Is this life and death?” Almost always it is not. Everyone is alive at the moment, including you. Think about it.
3. Do some deep breathing and focus on the present moment, it is related to the first two suggestions but a little different. You will find that at this very moment, everything is OK.
4. Tell yourself that you will find a solution to whatever is going on in time, we always do.
5. Think about good things in your live – practice gratitude. A good thing to do every day in the morning and at night.
6. Make time to be with loved ones and have some fun. Think of enjoyable activities and do them, and laugh….
7. Talk to a trusted, wise friend about what is going on or seek professional help.
8. Remind yourself that life is full of challenges and that it is just how it is to feel some pressure and struggle with life stuff.
9. Try to be really clear about what it is that is stressing you at this moment.

Try some of these stress reduction tips and see how you do. If you need more professional help, you can always reach out to a therapist who specializes in individual therapy too.

The post Nine Ways to Cope with Stress Better first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

Many couples choose not to get married ever, or are not ready to marry at the moment. Often this is BECAUSE there are issues of concern that are obstacles to moving forward.

If these are not addressed and hopefully resolved, the marriage simply may not happen and, may be should not happen. Some couples, simply do not ever plan to marry but are still concerned about their relationship and want it to be as good as possible. From my standpoint, as long as the couple is experiencing same repetitive issues that are not getting resolved or there is no progress made, couples therapy should be considered so that the relationship does not fall apart or the issues are so long standing and serious that there is no coming back from them.

One exception to this however, is if the couple comes to me being in relationship a relatively short of time, say within the first 6 months. My thoughts on this are as follows:

• Typically, there is a honeymoon period with both people feeling on a cloud, where infatuation and idealization of the relationship is a normal phenomenon. This is what we experience as this “in-love” stage. Sex is great, things are exciting, there is desire to be together all the time. It is important to have this experience from my point of view, as this is what keeps you from breaking up at the first sign of trouble. It is a nice experience to go back to, to keep reinforcing the commitment and help struggle with differences which are inevitable. When there are major issues from the beginning, it’s hard to feel infatuated and blissful.
• Another reason I would feel caution is that even when there is a conflict early on, a couple should make some attempt to resolve it before seeking professional help. It simply feels good to solve your own problems. It also means early on that both partners are capable of being open and caring about the other. It probably suggests there is good communication and that is a good reason to keep going.
• When there are problems that cannot be resolved without professional help early on, may be things are just not right.

That being said, once the relationship is established and there is a level of commitment, when there a realistic view of each other, when there already been some struggle to deal the differences, which are inevitable, and relationship is not brand new, it makes total sense to seek couples or marriage counseling. It makes no difference whether the couple is married or not.

The post Is There Something Wrong With Our Relationship If We Go To Couples Therapy And We Are Not Married? first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

Most of these therapies consisted of a patient doing the talking and therapist mostly listening whiles interjecting every so often, and in the case of psychoanalysis – making interpretations. In other therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), the therapist was more active and directive with their patients.

Over the past 20 years, other types of therapies been developed which include EMDR, Somatic Experiences (SE), Sensory Motor Integration, and many others. What makes these therapies different from the ones previously mentioned is that the principles of these therapies are grounded in developing an understanding of the brain and the nervous systems, as well as making a connection between mind and body.

For this reason, these therapies are sometimes referred to as “mind-body therapies”.

EMDR, in particular, is a therapy based on an assumption that all traumatic events get stored in a fragmented form in both the brain and nervous system. At the time of the incident, our minds are capable of assimilating only certain parts of the incident usually in an incomplete form.

Some parts of traumatic events are stored in the right hemisphere of the mind while others are stored in the left. During EMDR treatment both hemispheres are stimulated in order to bring all the pieces together to create a coherent and complete experience and understanding of the event. In subsequent sets of stimulation, the memories of the event lose their emotional charge and become neutral rather than dormant in our system which allows them to be triggered again and again.

Many patients seek EMDR treatment after being in traditional therapies for many years while still experiencing the same triggers and reactions to events. These triggers are occurring because in some way they are reminding the patient of the original traumatic incident.

For example, a young female patient who was assaulted by a man in a blue jacket at age 10, may become panicked every time she sees a man in a blue jacket. However, she did not know why this was triggering panic until she received EMDR treatments which targeted her seeing man wearing a blue jacket. From there, a memory rose up connecting the two pieces. After this was discovered, treatment was able to ensure that men wearing blue jackets were no longer a trigger for her.

While EMDR therapy is not for everyone it is worth exploring as it can often facilitate relief from troubling symptoms.

The post When Is It Time To Consider EMDR? first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

In the trauma field, there are two types of trauma that exist – “Big T trauma” and “Little T Trauma”.

Big T Trauma most commonly refers to a traumatic event or events in which a person’s physical survival is threatened. These events are usually life and death situations, or ones where there is an extreme physical or psychological abuse involved. Some common examples of Big T Traumas include muggings, car accidents, other types of accidents, sexual assaults, experiences while under anesthesia, or the loss of a loved one.

Often after experiencing Big T trauma, people will develop symptoms such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), panic attacks, anxiety, depression among others. These traumas will also cause a person to develop beliefs about oneself such as “ I am not safe”, “I am powerless”, or even “ I am a bad person”.

Little T Traumas are more common and typically things that everyone has encountered.  Such traumas can include failures, disappointments with someone they consider important, painful breakups or work-related stresses like getting fired. While these traumas are not threatening to a person’s survival in the physical sense, they are capable of having long-lasting effects on a person’s self-esteem and emotional well being.

While a person can typically “get over” such traumas, these events are still capable of informing our view of the world and ourselves – usually in negative, maladaptive ways.

Post Little T Traumas, symptoms like anxiety and depression maybe be experienced. Usually, however, they will be shorter lasting and less severe.  It can also become normal to experience negative self-referencing beliefs such as “There is something wrong with me” or “I am a failure”.

Whether you experience a Big T or Little T Trauma, it is advisable to deal with these issues with a trained therapist in individual counseling so they do not impact your daily life.

The post What is Trauma? first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

Feeling alone, unsupported or frightened in the world is a common breeding ground for many psychological conditions and illnesses.

This is not to say that those who are in good, solid romantic relationships or friendships do not need counseling, but that the issues grow and transform much faster when one person feels not alone and unsupported.

Part of the reason there are so many relationship problems today is that we are living in a world of alienation. This trend started way before the technological boom with families moving away and living apart from one another. However, today’s use of technology further alienates people from having regular personal interactions, further causing separation and aloneness.

Relationships with others and the feeling of belonging to a clan or a group is necessary for humans to thrive. It is critical to understand this and make all efforts to disconnect from technology, work obligations and whatever else that keeps us apart from our human contact and connections.

If you feel like your relationships are lacking and you cannot find a way to resolve these difficulties, you should seek professional counseling. A good therapist can help identify the role you play in this and help bridge the gaps in the interpersonal difficulties that need to be tended to or mended.

The post Dealing With Difficulties In Relationships for Individuals first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

However, this is not the case.  In regards to EMDR treatment, there is a concept known as “Big T Trauma” and “ Small T Trauma”. The examples listed above are considered Big T Traumas and are common types of reasons someone may require EMDR treatment.

Small T traumas may include a break-up, getting fired from a job, difficult relationship, a major interpersonal conflict or disappointment, experiencing a failure or an event where one is humiliated or embarrassed to name a few. In these cases, EMDR is extremely useful and can often be an efficient treatment modality for these lesser traumatic events. EMDR is very effective in the treatment of procrastination, avoidance, and phobias and can also be very helpful in treating depression, anxiety, stress, and substance abuse issues.

If you feel stuck in a situation or in emotional reactions that feel old,  compulsive, familiar and may be somewhat extreme, chances are there is a traumatic situation attached to it. Whether it is due to something big or small, the trauma you experienced may make you a good candidate for EMDR.

The post What Circumstances And Conditions Can Be Treated By EMDR? first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.