Here is some advice on how to choose a Marriage Counselor in NYC:

Ask Friends

Some couples will ask their friends who have been in marriage counseling. If you go that route, make sure you ask specific questions, such as how did this help you, what happens in the sessions, why are they working with this particular therapist?

If you don’t want to ask friends because maybe you don’t want them to know you are having trouble, then you have some work to do. Online, you can find a lot of helpful information about a therapist.

Understand The Approaches to Therapy & Find The Right Match

Familiarize yourself with different approaches to couples therapy. There are a number of schools of thought. They are very different and work with different personality types.

Gottman Method

One popular method is the Gottman Method, developed by John Gottman who was a mathematician originally but had an interest in what makes a relationship work. The Gottman method is based on 7 principles of what works and 4 toxic components that ruin relationships. According to John Gottman, conflict is an expected part of every relationship as there are two different people. Therapy is about helping a couple learn and practice with the guidance of a therapist’s tools that help achieve a better relationship. A therapist can figure out stumbling blocks in moments of conflict and how to change your responses. It is important for you as a client that you feel your therapist understands your couple dynamic and that the tools he or she is implementing make sense for you.

An important book to take a look at is “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, by John Gottman.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Another popular approach, which I use is Emotionally Focused Therapy or EFT. This model assumes that emotions guide all of our behaviors. In therapy, clients learn to make sense of what their emotions are telling them, identify goals, needs or concerns, that is, organizing them and understanding each issue clearly. Then, one examines the action tendencies to cope with them.

The goal of EFT is to create a secure attachment between partners. This is an experiential model, and a lot of actual change happens in the sessions. Partners, after becoming more aware of their emotions, and how these emotions show up in their relationship are able to communicate in language of emotion and vulnerability rather than from an angry, critical place which escalates conflict.

A good book to familiarize yourself about EFT is by Sue Johnson (the Founder of the concept of EFT), “Hold Me Tight”.

Imago Therapy

Another method is “Imago Therapy.” Imago comes from a Latin word “image” and refers to the “unconscious image of familiar love”. There, oftentimes, is a connection between problems in a romantic relationship and childhood experiences. Core issues of abandonment, criticism, and neglect will show up in adult relationships and will overshadow good parts of the relationship. Through Imago therapy, couples can learn to understand each other’s feelings, allowing them to heal.

To understand better this therapeutic modality, please refer to the book by Imago’s creator Harville Hendrix “Getting the Love you Want: A Guide for Couples”.

Some other things to look for in a Marriage Counselor:

• Do they have direct experience with the issues you are facing, and if you are in crisis, are they the right fit?
• What phase of your relationship are you in and do they have experience working with couples in that general stage recently?
• Is the therapist going to be a good fit for all parties involved who are going to be in therapy?
• Do you understand the counselor’s approach to therapy and are they the right one?
• Do I like their communication style?
• Am I willing to give them a chance to get to know me and our issues?
• Have a I read their reviews and understand their Qualifications to make an informed decision?
• How do they work (virtual vs. in person; one person at a time vs. couples, together etc.)?
• How often do you meet?
• Also ask yourself, am I ready and financially prepared to commit to this investment in my relationship?

Issues a Marriage Counselor can help you with:

You are arguing more and more frequently and the arguments escalate quickly.

You are obviously stuck in a negative cycle, where the same arguments happen and you are both reacting rather than understanding what you and your spouse are experiencing. It is important to be able to understand, with a help of a professional, what is actually going on underneath the reactivity. A good marriage therapist can help identify the stuck points and help you create a positive cycle.

You are struggling with trust issues.

This can be anything from a “little lie” to being caught in an inappropriate relationship with someone else. It is really important to deal with this as soon as possible.  Marriage counseling can be immensely helpful in creating a safer space to be honest and repair or begin to heal whatever the issues are as well as understand the underlying issues.

You are not on the same page about finances, parenting, in laws.

Most couples do not see eye to eye in at least one of these areas. Over time, these disagreements erode connection and loving feelings couples have for each other. A marriage counselor will help you find a way to talk about these issues in a way that will lead to understanding and empathy rather than anger and disconnect.

What You Really Want From Your Marriage Counselor:

What you want from a marriage counselor in New York City is someone who understands what your dynamic is, who is active in the sessions, who is impartial, and has clear methodologies they will use to help you improve your relationships.

I hope this has helped you when you are looking for the right Marriage Counselor in the New York area.

The post How To Choose Your Marriage Therapist Wisely in New York City first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

I am, frankly, at a loss about what to tell them. While there are still people in this day and age who shirk from therapy, most of us do not see it as a stigma anymore. More often than not, the other partner feels it’s too late.

Many times, they, themselves, suggested couple’s therapy for a long while to which there was a negative response. And now that the relationship is too far gone, they simply do not wish to give in to the request of their partner who hurt them for too long or they do not want to “work” on their relationship.

There are also those situations when a partner who is resisting therapy, simply has stuff that they do not want to talk about and don’t want to be on the spot by a therapist. Typically, there is either a secret or they simply do not want to talk about what is truly on their mind and are concerned that they will not have a choice when inside a therapist’s office.

By the way, most of the time, I don’t hear again from those callers who need to talk to their partner. So I do not have a magic answer to those asking this question. I suggest talking to him or her and tell them you found a therapist to work with, which shows motivation to get help. Be honest and vulnerable about fears of losing each other in the absence of support and how that would affect you, and what that would mean to you.

In choosing that route, I urge to be vulnerable and empathic and not hold back on expressing emotion. It may or may not make a difference, but when you want to save your relationship, and you feel remorseful, it is important to go all out.

I also suggest reading Sue Johnson’s “Hold me Tight” and John Gottman’s “7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.”  These books are written by great therapists in the field of Couples Therapy and may offer some hope to an otherwise defeated partner.

The post How To Get My Spouse Into Couples Counseling? first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

I think a major distinction is that being crazy in love is a pleasurable feeling even if somewhat unsettling… Most of us crave this feeling and want to hold on to it as long as possible. It is an emotional high in which the anxiety comes from feeling vulnerable. But it is a state that makes us feel very alive, excited about life, albeit it somewhat scared of loosing the feeling and the person.

When being in love drives us crazy, it is a feeling and a state that is quite untenable and we do not want to remain in that state for a long time as it interferes with other important areas of our life and functioning. It is a state of angst, frustration, anxiety and is extremely uncomfortable. It is a feeling that something is wrong, the relationship is wrong or not good for us. It is an unhappy state.

Sometimes being in love drives us crazy because there is fear of something going wrong, our feelings being unrequited, jealousy and possessiveness can take over. Bur when the feelings of love are mutual and the people involved are reasonably stable, this feeling grows into a mature, fulfilling love. In contrast the craziness evolves into dysfunction and despair, can evolve into depression. This is a kind of a relationship people end up in couples therapy to get help getting out of.

The post Is Your Relationship Making You Crazy In Love Or Driving You Crazy? first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

Some come in for pre-marital counseling, not to deal with issues, but because they wish to discuss in a safe atmosphere common realities of married life, such as timing and number of children, work and career after children, finances, relationships with families of origins and friends, work/leisure balance amongst other things. In such cases, the counseling is more structured and each topic is discussed, differences are identified and there is a discussion and decisions made for mutually acceptable solutions. These sessions are very useful and productive in averting future discord, leading to anger, resentments and disconnection.

Sometimes, pre-marital counseling is a combination of both of these factors. Another common and related reason for therapy before marriage is that oftentimes unexpected problems arise during wedding planning. I have had several couples who came into my office because they realized during their engagement and wedding planning something about each other’s values or sensibilities they did not know before, or some issues happened between families that were especially disturbing. I have experienced weddings cancelled or postponed during these times and in these situations.

So, as you can see, I am all for pre-marital counseling or some discussion with a neutral party leading to marriage. Whether done by priest, rabbi or a therapist though all very different agendas and processes, it is healthy to address present or future potential universal marriage issues.

The post Pre-Marital Counseling: Why It Is a Must Before “I Do” first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

It really is difficult to quickly assess the relationship and its status quickly, but usually by the end of the first or second session I have an idea.

Most couples come to couples therapy with complaint of “communication problems”. This can mean many different things, but usually it means that there is continuous and rather predictable cycle of conflict, escalation and eventually, (hopefully), temporary estrangement or anger which makes both feel alone, fearful and, sometimes, hopeless. Eventually the argument subsides, gets swept under the proverbial rug and all is well until the next time. However, when there is a commitment and caring, combined with willingness to change and be more open and vulnerable, this cycle can change. While this is not exactly a phase, it does not mean the relationship is broken.

Sometimes couples experience a conflict over a particular issue, like in-laws or finances or something else and they hit a wall. This, also, is fixable and natural in all relationships. With patience, empathy and exploration, a couple can come to a place of acceptance and move forward or learn to deal with the differences. Again, there has to be commitment, caring and a basic solid connection.

Even sex and romance issues can be improved with willingness to be open and put energy, time and effort with guidance of a therapist.

However, when a couple is in a midst of one partner having an affair and feeling “in love” with another person, or feeling like the affair opened him or her up to another level of aliveness, or realization that the current relationship has run its course, there is a serious break in attachment and desire or in some cases ability to press on and find a different, deeper connection. This is very painful for the couple and for me to be present for and work with.

There is another situation which can signify that the relationship is broken. It involves a profound disappointment and lack of respect for the partner which makes it impossible to care and stay connected. There are many examples of this, one of which is trust, but also it can involve discovering a personality or character trait, unknown before, which is so shocking and upsetting that things can not be put together again in any kind of real way.

Another sign of a “broken” relationship is when the estrangement, disconnection, resentment have been for so long, that the partners moved too far away and one or both feel that it is easier and more realistic to start over then try to overcome the solid wall that exists between them.

It is always better to address problems earlier on before they partners find other coping ways to deal with chronic unhappiness.

The post Are We Going Through A Bad Phase Or Are We Broken? first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

I don’t immediately take this as reality. I want to understand what this really means. In my mind this either means that somebody is “in love” with another person, or is actually having an affair or that there is a loss of connection because of emotional and sexual distance. If the latter is the case, my job is to help people find a lost connection to each other and often times when the long standing resentments, disappointments and defensive posture soften, the attraction and closeness can come back. In a case of an affair, provided the cheating partner is willing to end it, we can explore what lead to the affair. Usually, it is feelings of rejection and emotional abandonment,and distance, and so we work on that in the same way as any other re-connection in therapy work plus healing the trauma of the affair.

Being “in love” does not guarantee a good relationship and not being “in love” does not mean the relationship is not good. I am actually not completely sure what “in love” means other then the early infatuation phase which is very exciting and intoxicating but not really sustainable throughout a lifetime. That being said, attraction and emotional connection, commitment to the well being of the other, trust and great deep care are critical to a good relationship.

It is also important to now confuse a “slump” in a relationship and a permanent shift. All relationships go through a “slump”, it is to be expected over time. But the slump is seen as that and it ends. A permanent shift is something far more serious. It is when there is persistent feeling of unhappiness, doubts about commitment and compatibility, trust, etc. It is important when there is are prolonged periods of unhappiness and doubt, the couple seek professional help before there are more serious shifts.

The post What Does It Mean When A Partner Is Out Of Love first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

Here are my thoughts on this. Married couples come to therapy because there has been an infidelity, there are problems with intimacy and sex and/or there is a  reality that the relationship is in trouble in spite of repeated attempts to solve things on their own. There are usually children or a child involved as well as substantial history and entrenchment in each other’s lives and both parties want to save the marriage.

When an unmarried couple comes into my office, often the issue is that  one is anxious to move the relationship to the next phase and the other is “not ready”. This is a complicated issue which can make or break a relationship. I have had an experience of this going both ways. In such a situation we explore what is going on with each partner. Usually the person driving the relationship forward is looking for a sense of security and certainty that  the relationship is going to lead to marriage and that he or she is the one and that this part of life is all set. The issues with the one who is “not ready” are more complicated, ranging from serious phobia of commitment, uncertainty about the specific partner and compatibility of the partnership, unexpressed resentments that have grown and blossomed over time, secret feelings for another person and issues with sex and romance. Sometimes, actually, the “not ready” partner is planning a proposal and is shopping for a ring (if it is a male) and simply doesn’t want to be dictated to when and how to do the proposal. The more push there is to “get it done”, the more resistance. When the “not ready” person is a man, there is a strong sense of wanting to plan, orchestrate and own this event and not be controlled.

Sometimes there is also a misconception about why there is such an urgency for engagement and marriage and it is important that the underlying feelings  are honestly communicated. This does not always push  things forward, but it creates a sense of empathy and understanding of the other’s experience.

Another reason unmarried couples come to therapy is for pre-marital counseling. They are typically engaged or are about to get engaged and either want to address issues and conflicts that they are concerned about, which is typical couples therapy, or, in fact, do a structured, set amount of sessions to address specific issues that come up as people are contemplating married and family life, such as handling money, timing and number of children, dealing with families of origin, work and career goals, including work after baby, leisure time, sex and romance.

Another reason for counseling for unmarried couples is dealing with trust issues as well as on and off relationship and deciding whether to be on or off.

More on this in the next blog….

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