Here is some advice on how to choose a Marriage Counselor in NYC:

Ask Friends

Some couples will ask their friends who have been in marriage counseling. If you go that route, make sure you ask specific questions, such as how did this help you, what happens in the sessions, why are they working with this particular therapist?

If you don’t want to ask friends because maybe you don’t want them to know you are having trouble, then you have some work to do. Online, you can find a lot of helpful information about a therapist.

Understand The Approaches to Therapy & Find The Right Match

Familiarize yourself with different approaches to couples therapy. There are a number of schools of thought. They are very different and work with different personality types.

Gottman Method

One popular method is the Gottman Method, developed by John Gottman who was a mathematician originally but had an interest in what makes a relationship work. The Gottman method is based on 7 principles of what works and 4 toxic components that ruin relationships. According to John Gottman, conflict is an expected part of every relationship as there are two different people. Therapy is about helping a couple learn and practice with the guidance of a therapist’s tools that help achieve a better relationship. A therapist can figure out stumbling blocks in moments of conflict and how to change your responses. It is important for you as a client that you feel your therapist understands your couple dynamic and that the tools he or she is implementing make sense for you.

An important book to take a look at is “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, by John Gottman.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Another popular approach, which I use is Emotionally Focused Therapy or EFT. This model assumes that emotions guide all of our behaviors. In therapy, clients learn to make sense of what their emotions are telling them, identify goals, needs or concerns, that is, organizing them and understanding each issue clearly. Then, one examines the action tendencies to cope with them.

The goal of EFT is to create a secure attachment between partners. This is an experiential model, and a lot of actual change happens in the sessions. Partners, after becoming more aware of their emotions, and how these emotions show up in their relationship are able to communicate in language of emotion and vulnerability rather than from an angry, critical place which escalates conflict.

A good book to familiarize yourself about EFT is by Sue Johnson (the Founder of the concept of EFT), “Hold Me Tight”.

Imago Therapy

Another method is “Imago Therapy.” Imago comes from a Latin word “image” and refers to the “unconscious image of familiar love”. There, oftentimes, is a connection between problems in a romantic relationship and childhood experiences. Core issues of abandonment, criticism, and neglect will show up in adult relationships and will overshadow good parts of the relationship. Through Imago therapy, couples can learn to understand each other’s feelings, allowing them to heal.

To understand better this therapeutic modality, please refer to the book by Imago’s creator Harville Hendrix “Getting the Love you Want: A Guide for Couples”.

Some other things to look for in a Marriage Counselor:

• Do they have direct experience with the issues you are facing, and if you are in crisis, are they the right fit?
• What phase of your relationship are you in and do they have experience working with couples in that general stage recently?
• Is the therapist going to be a good fit for all parties involved who are going to be in therapy?
• Do you understand the counselor’s approach to therapy and are they the right one?
• Do I like their communication style?
• Am I willing to give them a chance to get to know me and our issues?
• Have a I read their reviews and understand their Qualifications to make an informed decision?
• How do they work (virtual vs. in person; one person at a time vs. couples, together etc.)?
• How often do you meet?
• Also ask yourself, am I ready and financially prepared to commit to this investment in my relationship?

Issues a Marriage Counselor can help you with:

You are arguing more and more frequently and the arguments escalate quickly.

You are obviously stuck in a negative cycle, where the same arguments happen and you are both reacting rather than understanding what you and your spouse are experiencing. It is important to be able to understand, with a help of a professional, what is actually going on underneath the reactivity. A good marriage therapist can help identify the stuck points and help you create a positive cycle.

You are struggling with trust issues.

This can be anything from a “little lie” to being caught in an inappropriate relationship with someone else. It is really important to deal with this as soon as possible.  Marriage counseling can be immensely helpful in creating a safer space to be honest and repair or begin to heal whatever the issues are as well as understand the underlying issues.

You are not on the same page about finances, parenting, in laws.

Most couples do not see eye to eye in at least one of these areas. Over time, these disagreements erode connection and loving feelings couples have for each other. A marriage counselor will help you find a way to talk about these issues in a way that will lead to understanding and empathy rather than anger and disconnect.

What You Really Want From Your Marriage Counselor:

What you want from a marriage counselor in New York City is someone who understands what your dynamic is, who is active in the sessions, who is impartial, and has clear methodologies they will use to help you improve your relationships.

I hope this has helped you when you are looking for the right Marriage Counselor in the New York area.

The post How To Choose Your Marriage Therapist Wisely in New York City first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

Falling “out of love” is not necessarily the reason to end a marriage. Love is not just a feeling, it is sometimes a choice. Oftentimes when a couple reconnects, love comes back. However, there has to be a desire and willingness to work on connection. If one or both partners are not willing to consider and try to connect, to try to be vulnerable and open to their partner, marriage counseling will not be of help.

Sometimes, a couple comes in and the resentment and anger in the room is so palpable, you can cut it with a knife. They proceed to scream and accuse each other, often times talking at the same time. Many times, this happens because the anger and resentment have gone on for so long that it is hard to move past it.

It is very deep and each feels justified in feeling the way they do. It would have been much better had they come in sooner.

Related to that, some partners in a marriage feel contempt for one another. It is a very toxic feeling and there is usually a sense of justification for feeling this way. It is hard to move from contempt. Usually with contempt comes defensiveness and criticism of the other. With some couples there is such a flood of these feelings that there is nowhere for a therapist to even intervene, what goes on at home, takes place in our office. This is a very tough situation to shift.

I sometimes see couples where one partner recoils if the other even attempts any kind of affection. This sense of almost disgust at the idea of being touched by your spouse is a very discouraging sign for a couples therapist.

It is important to pick up on signs of trouble in a marriage before they become so entrenched that the shift becomes practically impossible.

The post When Is It Too Late For Marriage Counseling? first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

I am, frankly, at a loss about what to tell them. While there are still people in this day and age who shirk from therapy, most of us do not see it as a stigma anymore. More often than not, the other partner feels it’s too late.

Many times, they, themselves, suggested couple’s therapy for a long while to which there was a negative response. And now that the relationship is too far gone, they simply do not wish to give in to the request of their partner who hurt them for too long or they do not want to “work” on their relationship.

There are also those situations when a partner who is resisting therapy, simply has stuff that they do not want to talk about and don’t want to be on the spot by a therapist. Typically, there is either a secret or they simply do not want to talk about what is truly on their mind and are concerned that they will not have a choice when inside a therapist’s office.

By the way, most of the time, I don’t hear again from those callers who need to talk to their partner. So I do not have a magic answer to those asking this question. I suggest talking to him or her and tell them you found a therapist to work with, which shows motivation to get help. Be honest and vulnerable about fears of losing each other in the absence of support and how that would affect you, and what that would mean to you.

In choosing that route, I urge to be vulnerable and empathic and not hold back on expressing emotion. It may or may not make a difference, but when you want to save your relationship, and you feel remorseful, it is important to go all out.

I also suggest reading Sue Johnson’s “Hold me Tight” and John Gottman’s “7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.”  These books are written by great therapists in the field of Couples Therapy and may offer some hope to an otherwise defeated partner.

The post How To Get My Spouse Into Couples Counseling? first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.