Here is some advice on how to choose a Marriage Counselor in NYC:

Ask Friends

Some couples will ask their friends who have been in marriage counseling. If you go that route, make sure you ask specific questions, such as how did this help you, what happens in the sessions, why are they working with this particular therapist?

If you don’t want to ask friends because maybe you don’t want them to know you are having trouble, then you have some work to do. Online, you can find a lot of helpful information about a therapist.

Understand The Approaches to Therapy & Find The Right Match

Familiarize yourself with different approaches to couples therapy. There are a number of schools of thought. They are very different and work with different personality types.

Gottman Method

One popular method is the Gottman Method, developed by John Gottman who was a mathematician originally but had an interest in what makes a relationship work. The Gottman method is based on 7 principles of what works and 4 toxic components that ruin relationships. According to John Gottman, conflict is an expected part of every relationship as there are two different people. Therapy is about helping a couple learn and practice with the guidance of a therapist’s tools that help achieve a better relationship. A therapist can figure out stumbling blocks in moments of conflict and how to change your responses. It is important for you as a client that you feel your therapist understands your couple dynamic and that the tools he or she is implementing make sense for you.

An important book to take a look at is “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, by John Gottman.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Another popular approach, which I use is Emotionally Focused Therapy or EFT. This model assumes that emotions guide all of our behaviors. In therapy, clients learn to make sense of what their emotions are telling them, identify goals, needs or concerns, that is, organizing them and understanding each issue clearly. Then, one examines the action tendencies to cope with them.

The goal of EFT is to create a secure attachment between partners. This is an experiential model, and a lot of actual change happens in the sessions. Partners, after becoming more aware of their emotions, and how these emotions show up in their relationship are able to communicate in language of emotion and vulnerability rather than from an angry, critical place which escalates conflict.

A good book to familiarize yourself about EFT is by Sue Johnson (the Founder of the concept of EFT), “Hold Me Tight”.

Imago Therapy

Another method is “Imago Therapy.” Imago comes from a Latin word “image” and refers to the “unconscious image of familiar love”. There, oftentimes, is a connection between problems in a romantic relationship and childhood experiences. Core issues of abandonment, criticism, and neglect will show up in adult relationships and will overshadow good parts of the relationship. Through Imago therapy, couples can learn to understand each other’s feelings, allowing them to heal.

To understand better this therapeutic modality, please refer to the book by Imago’s creator Harville Hendrix “Getting the Love you Want: A Guide for Couples”.

Some other things to look for in a Marriage Counselor:

• Do they have direct experience with the issues you are facing, and if you are in crisis, are they the right fit?
• What phase of your relationship are you in and do they have experience working with couples in that general stage recently?
• Is the therapist going to be a good fit for all parties involved who are going to be in therapy?
• Do you understand the counselor’s approach to therapy and are they the right one?
• Do I like their communication style?
• Am I willing to give them a chance to get to know me and our issues?
• Have a I read their reviews and understand their Qualifications to make an informed decision?
• How do they work (virtual vs. in person; one person at a time vs. couples, together etc.)?
• How often do you meet?
• Also ask yourself, am I ready and financially prepared to commit to this investment in my relationship?

Issues a Marriage Counselor can help you with:

You are arguing more and more frequently and the arguments escalate quickly.

You are obviously stuck in a negative cycle, where the same arguments happen and you are both reacting rather than understanding what you and your spouse are experiencing. It is important to be able to understand, with a help of a professional, what is actually going on underneath the reactivity. A good marriage therapist can help identify the stuck points and help you create a positive cycle.

You are struggling with trust issues.

This can be anything from a “little lie” to being caught in an inappropriate relationship with someone else. It is really important to deal with this as soon as possible.  Marriage counseling can be immensely helpful in creating a safer space to be honest and repair or begin to heal whatever the issues are as well as understand the underlying issues.

You are not on the same page about finances, parenting, in laws.

Most couples do not see eye to eye in at least one of these areas. Over time, these disagreements erode connection and loving feelings couples have for each other. A marriage counselor will help you find a way to talk about these issues in a way that will lead to understanding and empathy rather than anger and disconnect.

What You Really Want From Your Marriage Counselor:

What you want from a marriage counselor in New York City is someone who understands what your dynamic is, who is active in the sessions, who is impartial, and has clear methodologies they will use to help you improve your relationships.

I hope this has helped you when you are looking for the right Marriage Counselor in the New York area.

The post How To Choose Your Marriage Therapist Wisely in New York City first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

Falling “out of love” is not necessarily the reason to end a marriage. Love is not just a feeling, it is sometimes a choice. Oftentimes when a couple reconnects, love comes back. However, there has to be a desire and willingness to work on connection. If one or both partners are not willing to consider and try to connect, to try to be vulnerable and open to their partner, marriage counseling will not be of help.

Sometimes, a couple comes in and the resentment and anger in the room is so palpable, you can cut it with a knife. They proceed to scream and accuse each other, often times talking at the same time. Many times, this happens because the anger and resentment have gone on for so long that it is hard to move past it.

It is very deep and each feels justified in feeling the way they do. It would have been much better had they come in sooner.

Related to that, some partners in a marriage feel contempt for one another. It is a very toxic feeling and there is usually a sense of justification for feeling this way. It is hard to move from contempt. Usually with contempt comes defensiveness and criticism of the other. With some couples there is such a flood of these feelings that there is nowhere for a therapist to even intervene, what goes on at home, takes place in our office. This is a very tough situation to shift.

I sometimes see couples where one partner recoils if the other even attempts any kind of affection. This sense of almost disgust at the idea of being touched by your spouse is a very discouraging sign for a couples therapist.

It is important to pick up on signs of trouble in a marriage before they become so entrenched that the shift becomes practically impossible.

The post When Is It Too Late For Marriage Counseling? first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

What is manipulative behavior in the context of relationships?

In my mind, manipulative behavior is getting someone to do something for you without being direct about what you want or need. It makes the recipient of this tactic angry because he or she ends up doing something they don’t want to do.

Examples of manipulative behavior seen in relationships and marriages:

In romantic relationships or a marriage, when one of the partners “forgets” to do a task or a chore, it results in the other one having to do it and it leads to resentment. It is better to discuss directly and honestly what you want and do not want to do and come up with a solution that works for both people.

Another form of manipulation is over promising to your partner to do things you do not intend to do. It leads to disappointment and anger.

Another way couples use manipulation is withholding what the other wants, like sex, affection, favors, in order to get something first. Again, this is poisonous to a relationship.

Ask directly for what you want and need. Discuss it with your spouse or partner and avoid the problems that come from indirect communication. You may seek the help of a marriage counselor to help open the flow of communication between you and your spouse. You will learn how to share and frame your feelings which will help rekindle the romance in your relationship.

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1. Couples therapists are not judges and we cannot tell you who is guilty or innocent. Many couples treat my office as if it is a courtroom. It is not. Marriage counseling is not about establishing facts or even the truth, as no one knows what that is. It is about understanding your partner’s reality and their experience about what is happening for them and to learn to care about that.
2. Marriage counselors do not tell their clients whether to stay together or to break up. We are not gods. The decision is up to our clients and what they want and feel. The exception to this is if the marriage or relationship is actually dangerous to one’s life.
3. Our clients often expect us to change the other person. It is not a therapist’s job to change either partner. Often in couples therapy people explore their values, feelings and “deal breakers”. We attempt to foster communication around these issues for people to come to terms with their partner’s needs and feelings. We do encourage both partners to be open to rethinking and taking in feelings of their partner. Sometimes one partner is the source of most of the conflict. Still, ultimately both people have to adjust and this is a couples’ issue. We try and identify what both people contribute to the conflict in a relationship.
4. It is important to understand that even though couples therapists do their best to help people stay together, sometimes it is not possible. Sometimes marriages or relationships end in a therapy session. This is not unusual as therapy session becomes a “safe space” and difficult feelings become more manageable to communicate. Some patients are disappointed by this, but it is important to understand that this happens. Couples therapists do not dictate what happens in the relationship, we only are there to “hold” our couples and help them move through their process.
5. Often times, clients come to marriage counseling and want us to tell them if they are going to “make it” or if what is going on with them is “normal”. Again, as a couples’ therapist, I do not make predictions about the future of a relationship. I can only help work with what is happening now. I also do not know how to answer what is normal or not. What is normal for one couple may be unacceptable for the other. I do not set that standard, but help partners understand what theirs is.

The post 5 Things You Can Not Expect From Marriage Counseling first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

When my husband is angry at me, rather than attacking him back or being defensive, I try to understand what is underneath his anger. Usually, I somehow hurt him or disappoint him in some way. I want to know about this, think about it and comfort him. I want to reassure him that I care about this a lot and his heart is very important to me.

Another important aspect is to make him feel how important and appreciated he is. It has to be real and genuine. I am not talking about when there is no reason to feel that or if I do not feel that way at that moment. Many of us actually feel these feelings towards our spouse, but they don’t feel it from us. This creates anger, resentment, feelings of being unloved and sometimes rejected and leads to problems which sometimes include looking for these validations elsewhere.

Another thing I have learned is that you cannot and should not take your partner for granted. Statements like “he will never cheat on me” or “she will never leave me”, lead to complacency, laziness and not really caring about the relationship. I see how devastating this turns out for so many couples who think their partner will always be there no matter what.

Last point, related to the ones above is that many marriage therapists understand from the experience of working with couples in distress, the importance of romance and intimacy in a marriage, especially after many years together. This cannot be ignored, put on a shelf “until the kids grow up”. If you do that, there will be nothing left by the time the kids leave. So this must be nurtured and tended to very diligently and has to be a priority.

The post What Couples Therapists Learn from Their Own Relationships first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

1. Telling your spouse that you can’t stand, hate or don’t like their family or family members. This is extremely hurtful because you cannot change your family and we all identify with our parents and siblings and usually love them. This is often seen as an attack on self and will make your partner feel and act defensively. Saying “I hate your mother” is like saying I hate you or a part of you, because like it or not, we all are a product of our parents. If one really feels that they cannot stand their partners’ parents, please re-think marrying that person. This will be an issue that will be a problem between you always and will invariably damage your marriage.

2. Telling your spouse that they are a bad parent. We all may have suggestions or requests about each other’s parenting skills or styles. Please be mindful that parenting is a very sensitive issue especially for new parents. It is a major area of disagreements between spouses and needs to handle with kid gloves. This is an area where criticism is very painful and can lead to major resentments, alienation and ultimately a break.

3. Being critical when one of the partners is having a career or financial crisis. In a marriage, each spouse’s career and money issues affect both parties. It is easy to be critical and angry and say stuff like “you are a failure”, “I am sick of you not making money and feeling lost with your career.” While feelings like this can at times be understandable, saying it is another issue, unless you are ready to call it quits. Calling your partner a failure makes him or her feels demeaned, looked down upon and basically disrespected and unloved.

4. Another killer statement is “I am not attracted to you anymore”. Attraction in a long term relationship can come and go. Before making a statement like this, be ready for the marriage to be over. It is hard to recover from this and feel sexy and desired after statements like this. Instead, try to think of some constructive suggestions depending on what it is that’s turning you off. Most of the attraction issues have to do with long-standing resentment, hurt and lack of romance.

5. Another big mistake couples make is threatening separation or divorce when angry or hurt. It is tempting sometimes to make these threats but they are a huge trauma to the attachment and sense of safety within a marriage. We all know that “till death do us part” is not a given in any marriage, but these threats cannot be made in jest. It puts a crack in your commitment and jeopardizes your bond.

Please consider these points before you lash out at your spouse as you may cause irreparable damage to your marriage. If you are in New York City and in need of marriage counseling, please schedule a consultation with Irina Firstein, LCSW here.

The post 5 Damaging Things You Should Never Say to Your Spouse first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.

However, most of the time comparisons can create bad feelings, hopelessness and resentment. Not to mention social isolation. These comparisons are also often inaccurate. They can create feelings of jealousy towards others and anger towards your partner.

One thing I know is true – You Never Know What Goes On In Someone Else’s Marriage. This has proven to be true over and over again both in my professional and my personal life. Most couples show you what they want you to see. Most of the time it has no relation to reality and will cause you pain for no reason. Another point is someone else’s happiness or misery has nothing to do with anyone else. If you want to learn from someone’s positive qualities or attributes, that is great, but to put another relationship on a pedestal and devalue yours because of it makes no sense.

Often, when we are comparing our marriage to someone else’s our partner feels criticized and made responsible for what is lacking. This leads to conflict. Even if the partner is not directly implicated in your marriage being less then someone else’s, your partner still feels it is their fault.

If there are issues in your marriage, look at them and deal with them. Everyone comes into life and marriage with their own histories, advantages and disadvantages. We all have to struggle and we all have adversities. Just focus on that.

The post How Comparison May Be Destroying Your Marriage first appeared on Irina Firstein, LCSW.