Posts Tagged ‘relationship tips’

6 Characteristics of a Good Relationship

Saturday, June 4th, 2016

There are many things that make a good relationship, but these are the ones that came to mind as I thought about it after a particularly emotional difficult work week.

  • A good relationship is a romantic partnership. What this means is that two people are able to be partners in life and challenges. They can work together on projects, share same or similar goals, complement each other in accomplishing things that need to be done and taking into account their abilities, strengths, etc. Also with that, there is a great importance placed on romance and an erotic connection between them. This manifests in a mutually satisfying sexual relationship and a high premium on fun and romantic activities and gestures, like surprise spontaneous plans, gifts, and activities.
  • In a good relationship, there is genuine caring and concern for the other person’s well-being and feeling of joy in their life. You want your partner to feel good and happy as much as realistically possible. This is important to both partners in regards to each other.
  • You can talk about anything and everything and feel listened to, heard and hopefully understood, and comforted when needed. It is very important to feel that your partner has your back and your best interests at heart.
  • You can be vulnerable and express “weakness” to your partner. It is important to be able to expose most personal, even shameful or simply vulnerable feelings and feel “held”, rather than ridiculed, rejected, criticized or further shamed for the feelings expressed. Some of this may include fears about the attachment or insecurity about desirability and attraction from your significant other.
  • It is important not only that you LOVE your partner but that you like them as a human being. If possible, it is good to admire and respect him or her. This brings a great energy to the connection and often solidifies that bond.
  • It greatly helps a relationship to be good and satisfying if you like each other’s family origin and have a compatible (not necessarily the same) view of religion. These are important aspects of one’s life and when there is a conflict here, it often will tear at the most intense romantic connections.

Relationship Tips and Ideas from Well-Known Couples’ Therapy Experts

Monday, March 28th, 2016

I want to share with you some relationship tips and ideas from well-known couples’ therapy experts. These tips come from an article I contributed to in Buzzfeed.com last month. Here they are:

  • The old adage that you can’t go to bed angry is not true. This comes from a relationship coach Rachel De Alto. I actually agree with this. Making up before bedtime places too much pressure to come up with a resolution which may not be organic or make sense. During the evening the couple may be too tired and it is better to tackle the conflict in the morning or next day. So, don’t worry if you are angry at bedtime.
  • One thing that can instantly improve your relationship according to another couples therapist is saying “thank you” more often. Showing sincere appreciation for even mundane tasks goes a long way.
  • It is a good thing to tell your partner about things that annoy you, even if they are small things. Despite “don’t sweat the small stuff” idea, many couples therapists agree that over time, keeping a minor peeve  to oneself, can wind up or turn into a nasty resentment or major irritation. It is important to bring it up in a nice way, before it becomes a bigger issue.
  • Have more discussions especially discussions of problems between you starting with “I” rather then “you”. Express your wants, needs and feelings that come from “I” rather then blaming statements starting with “you”. As an example, instead of saying “you don’t do this or that…” Say “I feel less connected or sad when, etc.…” Starting with “you” instantly puts your partner on the defensive and that means that he or she is now most concerned with defending him or herself rather then get into what you are saying and feeling.
  • Have more conversations that are not about your job, kids and home. Even if you and your partner talk a lot, much of it probably is about day-to-day business of running a home and family. In order to feel closer and more intimate, communicate about your thoughts, feelings, goals, observations, discoveries, desires, and fantasies with each other.
    • Turn off your phones around each other for periods of time especially when you come home from work. (Guess who said that one?) I harp on this all the time. It is important to make time and space for each other and be available and accessible.
  • It’s okay to fight. Everyone feels disappointed or has disagreements. In a fight you both need to communicate with a goal of understanding each other better.
  • According to a relationship coach Jane Greer, it is important to check in with your partner about decisions even if they are small. I agree with this as many of my couples get into trouble even with stuff like, “ I am going to dinner with so and so Friday” instead of “ I am thinking of seeing so and so Friday, is that OK with you?” This make world of difference.
  • Even if you have been together a long time, date like you haven’t. The experts say, it’s not just about “reigniting the spark”, it’s about putting value on fun, excitement, pleasure, getting to know each other. Going out to same old restaurants and sitting in silence or talking about kids is not going to keep things exciting. Do new things.
  • Touch more and not just in sexual ways. It’s important to touch and be affectionate not just as prelude to sex. Touching and kissing keeps good feelings flowing and makes you feel loved and special.
  • Do little things, they are the unsung heroes of successful relationships. Little things are important, they let each of you know that you think of them.